What parent hasn't said "hurry up!" to a child at some point, whether it's hustling them to school or waiting for them to put on their shoes?
On top of all their other stresses, parents have been hearing about something called "hurried child syndrome."
Turns out, parents don't have to worry: Those little lapses in patience aren't going to cause lasting trauma. As it turns out, "hurried child syndrome" is about something else entirely.
Dr. Emily Oster, an economist who meticulously analyzes parenting data, traces the term back to David Elkind’s book, “The Hurried Child,” which warns of over-burdening children and making them grow up too fast. The book is “a kind of pushback against the overscheduling of our kids,” Oster tells TODAY.com.
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Though Elkind's book is from 1981, the importance of moving from structure to free play is still being stressed by authors like Jonathan Haidt, author of "The Anxious Generation." Today, 45 years later, the problem has only intensified.
We asked Oster to tell us one more time for the anxious parents in the back: Does rushing your child give them anxiety?
"No," Oster says definitively. "No. There's no evidence for that."
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Wait. How did this mixup happen?
Parents are looking for guidance, for concrete ways to help them raise their kids. In the process, the nuances of hurried child syndrome disappeared and the theory got oversimplified — sometimes hilariously so — into "Don't rush your kids or you'll turn them into anxious adults."
Though it can be difficult, Oster cautions parents from adopting one-size-fits-all parenting advice. In fact, “the best way” to support our kids “is probably to let go of the idea that there is ‘the best way,’” Oster says.
Consider your child, your family and what works best for all of you. And if that involves a "hurry up!" or two in the morning, don't assume you have ruined your child forever.
Like Oster, family therapist Colette Brown says that "what parents are falling into is blaming themselves for doing the wrong thing at every turn." The key to "getting out of your head about these things," she says, is "to be curious and to not necessarily be correct." Show your kids that you are imperfect and that you're willing to try again.
In terms of rushing your children out the door in the morning, Brown says with a laugh that hurrying your kids to get dressed, eat breakfast and brush their teeth is "a pretty universal thing, and I would hate for children to miss out on that wonderful tradition that we have."
What is "hurried child syndrome" anyway?
Hurried child syndrome is the tendency of parents to crowd their kids' schedules with too many activities in an effort to "help" them grow up faster. In reality, they may be exhausting their kids ... and themselves, too.
Packing too many activities into the week is often difficult to avoid, especially in a culture that values being “busy.” How can we avoid overscheduling?
“One short and very facile answer is, ‘Just say no,’” Oster says, warning that it's “easier said than done, and it’s easier with younger kids.”
Not sure which activities to pursue and which to drop? Brown has a revolutionary idea: Ask your child. "Children tend to know what they like, and oftentimes it’s the one thing we’re never doing,” she says.
In the meantime, remember that kids are resilient, and so are their parents.
Oster says parents felt incredibly relieved to learn that they hadn't ruined their children by rushing them.
“Modern parenting can feel like an endless set of opportunities to fail,” says Oster. "It may seem like every interaction with your kid is an opportunity to mess them up forever. And that’s just not true.”
This story first appeared on TODAY.com. More from Today:
- Matthew Perry’s family reflects one year after his death — and reveals how they’re keeping his legacy alive
- 'I couldn’t keep her safe.' A scary close call with her toddler motivates 1 mom to lose 44 lbs
- Hoda recalls struggling with 'imposter syndrome' after adopting her daughters: 'I wonder if I deserve them'
