Every parent dreams of raising a happy child who's equipped to reach their greatest potential. No matter how intelligent or athletic your child is, they'll struggle to achieve their goals if they lack mental strength.

As I explain in my book, "13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do," raising mentally strong kids isn't about telling them to "toughen up" — it's about equipping them with the skills to tackle challenges, manage their emotions, and believe in themselves. 

You can help build their mental strength with the words you choose. There are simple yet powerful phrases you can use to spark resilience, emotional intelligence, and problem-solving skills. Incorporating these 10 statements and questions into everyday life creates an environment where it's safe for kids to learn, fail, and grow. 

Because what you say truly matters — and small words can lead to big transformations. 

1. 'What would you say to your friend who had that problem?'

A child who feels upset is likely to engage in negative self-talk. When they say things like, "I'll never pass math," it's tempting to reassure them. But if we do, they learn to depend on us to reframe their negative thoughts. 

You can teach them to reframe their own thoughts. When they consider how they'd comfort a friend with kind words, their perspective shifts and they learn to speak to themselves with self-compassion. 

2. 'It makes sense you feel that way'

Validation is powerful. When you acknowledge and empathize with your child's feelings, they feel seen and understood. They don't worry about being wrong for feeling a certain way. Validating their feelings also builds trust and can make them more open to sharing their struggles with you.

Saying this teaches kids that their emotions are valid, even if they may be a bit out of proportion.

3. 'It's OK to feel upset, but not OK to act this way'

It's important for kids to know there's a difference between feelings and behaviors. This phrase validates your child's emotions while setting boundaries around behavior. 

It shows them that feelings like anger or sadness are normal, but it's not OK to disrupt or hurt others. You can use the opportunity to teach them alternative ways to cope — like taking deep breaths or talking about their feelings.  

Controlling how emotions are expressed is a key skill they'll need for life's inevitable ups and downs.

4. 'Let's solve this together'

When your child is frustrated or struggling, your natural reaction might be to swoop in and fix things. But it's essential for kids to learn problem-solving skills.

When you offer to work on an issue together, you assure them they don't have to go through difficulties alone while showing them a useful approach. 

They benefit from seeing how there are many ways to solve the same problem and gain confidence in their ability to make good decisions.

5. 'I hope you're proud of yourself for working so hard!'

Acknowledging effort, rather than just results, teaches children to value perseverance over perfection. If you only praise them for getting high grades, for example, they might think the scores on their report card matter more than honesty or integrity. 

When you use this phrase, you'll show them they can be proud of themselves without always looking for external validation. When kids feel good about their effort, they learn self-motivation and resilience in the face of setbacks.

6. 'What were you brave enough to fail at?'

Too often, failure is seen as something to fear, but resilient kids understand it's part of growth. This question reframes failure as a sign of courage.

Talking openly about failure encourages kids to try new things, step out of their comfort zones, and build confidence from their efforts, regardless of the outcome.

7. 'What can we learn from this?'

When something goes wrong, it's easy for kids to dwell on the negative. This phrase shifts the focus to growth and learning. 

It teaches them to see setbacks as opportunities for improvement and helps them develop a mindset of curiosity rather than self-criticism.

8. 'Do you need to solve the problem or deal with how you feel about the problem?'

This question introduces an important distinction between external challenges and internal reactions. For example, say your child is anxious about a tough math problem and so wants to skip doing the worksheet. Letting them avoid their math might reduce their anxiety for now, but it can lead to longer term problems. 

It would better to help them recognize that they're nervous about getting the problem wrong, and we can cope with the feelings rather than avoid the problem.

Teaching kids to identify whether the issue lies in their situation or their feelings gives them better control over their responses. It also helps them recognize when to change their mindset versus their circumstances.

9. 'What's an exception to that idea?'

Kids often think in absolutes, like "I'm not smart" or "Nobody likes me." This question helps them challenge and reframe those beliefs by focusing on exceptions. 

Your child will remember that there are times when those thoughts aren't true and build a more flexible, realistic perspective on themselves and the world.

10. 'Let's talk about what we're grateful for today'

Gratitude is a proven tool for boosting well-being. By turning it into a daily habit, you teach kids to focus on the positives in their lives, even during difficult times. 

Gratitude teaches kids that they have enough. It helps them build emotional resilience and equips them to look for the good in the world.

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, clinical social worker and instructor at Northeastern University. She is the author of several books including "13 Things Strong Kids Do: Think Big, Feel Good, Act Brave" and "13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do." Her TEDx talk "The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong" is one of the most viewed talks of all time. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

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