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[CNBC] Psychologist’s top tips for living alone without feeling lonely: ‘Don’t do it before you’re ready’
Living on my own for the first time felt like a rite of passage, a symbol of adulthood and success. The moment I got my first full-time job, I knew I wanted my own apartment.
In 2024, I went from living in a house with three other people — my parents and my little sister — to being completely on my own.
Less than a year later, my communication with the outside world had already started to wane. I didn't anticipate how lonely and demanding the experience would be.
The pressure of handling everything by myself made me want to move back in with my parents.
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In my new home, I could be as messy or as tidy as I wanted, and I didn't have to engage in any conversations if I wasn't in the mood — both pluses in my book. But soon, working a full day and coming home to my new solo responsibilities of cooking and cleaning, all the while keeping up with my friends and family, began to feel overwhelming.
I started opting out of social things like attending events or inviting people over, since hosting meant pulling from an empty well of energy to prepare my space, and seeing friends and family meant answering questions about this new experience that I wasn't sure if I was enjoying.
I soon realized my experience wasn't an isolated one. I came across a TikTok video created by José Costa, where, in just a couple of seconds, he shares a range of emotions to chronicle his experience of living alone. A video of him dancing to loud music in one clip is quickly followed by another of him crying.
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His reality is one that lots of users seem to identify with in the comments. Over 700,000 people so far have hit the "like" button. When I watched, I felt comforted by knowing that I wasn't alone.
Up until then, I only heard about the positive effects of living on your own. I hadn't been sure if the negative emotions I was feeling were common, too.
I decided to persevere by focusing on the peace that having my own space brings me. And I talked to an expert to see if she had any good advice for anyone living solo.
'It's important to have a support network, especially when you live alone'
There aren't very many of us with this living arrangement at this point: Under 10% of U.S. adults between the ages of 18 and 34 lived alone in 2022, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. Living on our own makes it that much more important for people my age to be intentional about building and engaging with our communities.
That's especially true given that American adults ages 18 to 25 report feeling unhappier now than people in their 40s and 50s, and a lot lonelier, too.
"It's important to have a support network, especially when you live alone, because it's not automatically built in," says Molly Burrets, a licensed clinical psychologist. "You're not going to get someone asking you when you walk in the door, 'How was your day?'"
Living alone can be great, Burrets tells me — and yet, in some unexpected ways, it can have a negative impact on your mental health.
Having your own space can mean more privacy and fewer distractions. It can give you a sense of increased independence and the ability "to do what you want to do when you want to do it," Burrets says.
But that can mean you "might find it easier to indulge unhealthy habits, whether that is sleeping irregularly or eating unhealthy or having too much screen time," she says. "Sometimes just the circumstances of having people around us helps us to reflect on our own habits and our own behaviors, and can impact us positively."
The increased responsibility of living alone can lead to anxiety, she notes, and the extra expense can take a toll. Having less money might mean having to cut back on spending on activities outside of the home that reduce stress or bring you joy.
'Connect with people beyond the digital world'
Before you decide to live on your own, Burrets says to ask yourself if you're ready to take on the increased financial responsibility and duties required of you to maintain your household.
If you decide you are ready to make that move, be sure that you stay socially connected with your loved ones. It will be much more important once you're living on your own to make plans with friends and "connect with people beyond the digital world," she says.
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While chatting with your friends online may help you feel less lonely momentarily, people who use social media the most report feeling more social isolation, according to a 2017 study published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine. Though it's unclear if increased social media use leads to social isolation, or the other way around, researchers agree that face-to-face interactions forge more meaningful connections.
Getting a dog or a cat to keep you company in your new space can be a great choice, Burrets says, but only if you can manage the upkeep and financial impact. "A close relationship with a pet can really provide that unconditional support and unconditional love inside the home that many people are looking for and frankly, find hard to have when they live alone."
Be 'in the best possible position' if you do decide to live alone
Though going solo can feel like the expected outcome for young adults, no one choice is right for everyone. You may benefit overall from having a roommate, especially if you're moving to a new city for the first time.
Make sure you're "in the best possible position," Burrets says, before you strike out on your own, and that you're resourced enough to take on this new responsibility. "Don't do it before you're ready."
With one year down and more to come, I've come to value my decision to get my own place. To ward off the woes, I make an effort to see my friends as often as I can, including on weekdays if that's what works best for our schedules. And regardless of how my place looks, if someone asks to come over, I rarely decline their offer.
For what's a home if not a place to share with those you love?
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