Ivy League psychologist: Don't make this parenting mistake if you want to raise resilient, creative kids

You don't need a quiet, harmonious household to raise the next Steve Jobs or Frida Kahlo.

Kids who grow up with parents who regularly disagree — in a constructive fashion — can become more creative adults, Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania recently told the "What Now? with Trevor Noah" podcast.

Such children can also become more mentally resilient, Grant wrote in a 2017 New York Times essay — a skill that highly successful adults often develop early in life, experts say.

By arguing, Grant doesn't mean yelling and screaming. Instead, the idea is to model productive discussions for your children, ones in which both parties engage in conversation, hear each other out and, ideally, reach a healthy consensus.

Growing up in a household with productive tension can show children that arguments don't necessarily create lasting conflict, and can lead to creative ways of solving problems, said Grant.

"Instead of just defaulting or deferring to whatever an authority figure tells you, you realize, 'Well, there are two different authority figures ... and they don't agree," he said during the podcast episode, which published on August 15. "[It can] lead to cognitive complexity, but it can also lead to more courage when it comes to challenging the status quo because there's not just one right answer."

How constructive disagreements can foster creativity

Constructive disagreements help mold creative kids in multiple ways, research shows.

One such study asked adults in their early 30s to write "imaginative stories," and found the most creative entries correlated with their childhood exposure to parental conflict. Another found that the most innovative architects and scientists experienced some amounts of friction within their families.

"If no one ever argues, you're not likely to give up old ways of doing things, let alone try new ones," Grant wrote. "Disagreement is the antidote to groupthink ... there's no better time than childhood to learn how to dish it out — and take it."

Building creativity doesn't have to sacrifice a child's sense of security: A 2009 study observed 235 families and found that children ages 5 to 7 felt more emotionally safe when they had parents who argued constructively. When observed again three years later, they showed greater empathy and were friendlier in school.

"A good debate is not a war. It's not even a tug-of-war, where you can drag your opponent to your side if you pull hard enough on the rope," Grant wrote in his 2021 book, "Think Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don't Know." "It's more like a dance that hasn't been choreographed ... If you can adapt your moves to hers, and get her to do the same, you're more likely to end up in rhythm."

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